gsagoaliegurl77

Happy Father's day to the best dad a girl could ever ask for. He's my hero, my fishing buddy, my favorite poet, my partner in pun-nery, the one who can always make me laugh, the dad who's fixing up a seemingly hopeless motorcycle with me, the one who nurses my wounds - physical and emotional. He's the "Puke-Parent," he's the one who taught me how to live life to become a productive member of society, he's my confidant, my supporter through all things, the one who has always talked to me as if I'm an adult, the one who has done everything in his power to give me the best life possible. He taught me about motorcycles, and how to drive a car, he's told me a million times that the number one rule in anything is "Don't Panic!" (I'm still working on learning that one), He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. Above all, he's my best friend, and my daddy. and I will love him until the end of time. ♥ Happy Father's Day to the best, kindest, most wonderful man I have ever known.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone cares. Sometimes I think I know the answer, and sometimes I'm not so sure.

I'm beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, I deserve more than this. I deserve friends who actually care about me. I deserve to be cared FOR every now and again by the people I care so much about. I'm starting to realize that I don't have to let people use me to spare their feelings. Maybe it's time I stop taking people's crap. Maybe it's time I grow a pair. (figuratively, of course...) Or maybe it's just time to let someone in.

"Ever carry the weight of another? For how long?"

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dgU8b…

So, everything I've heard about "finding out who your friends are"  spins it as a silver lining, a positive among a series of negatives. But this year, as I've gone through a lot, I've discovered that I don't really have that many true friends. This year I decided to stop wasting my time on people who didn't care about me, and when I did that, I ended up letting go of a lot of people in my life. And as great as it is to know that the people I do have are truly there for me, it still hurts to see how few there really are. I used to have a lot of friends - and now I can count my real friends on a single hand.

So I find myself wondering, is it better to have a bunch of people you care about even if they don't care as much as you do, or is it better to know who really cares and be lonely? In the past, I would have 100% chosen the second. But now that I'm here, I'm not so sure anymore. It certainly doesn't feel better. Maybe one day I'll get to a point where I can see that it's better, or where I'll find new people who care about me to care for. But for now - it just hurts. And I have to believe that it gets better than this. No one said it would be easy. But it's time I decided that people who are a priority to me when I'm nothing more than an option to them aren't worth my time. So I'm learning to let go - even though that's completely against my nature.

So I found out who my friends are, which is great, because I'm closer with those few people now than I've ever been before. But it sucks because I'm also feeling more alone than I ever have before. So much for Senior year, eh?

Sorry for the angst - didn't have the energy to funnel it into a poem.

Seriously considering getting a tattoo for my brother, Zachary. I'm thinking the back of my right shoulder -


            Zachary Thomas Williams
              6-15-89 -- 11/19/90
"Always do this. Wring the joy out of every day.
  Because, even if we live to be 100 years old,
that's only 36,500 days. Find joy in all of them."